Wednesday, July 25, 2007

being a scapegoat

I mentioned in my last post that the committee evaluation was almost too positive for my taste, but this morning I got a little taste of something else. I don't think that it would be appropriate here to go into details, but someone unleashed on me a torrent of deconstructive rage. It was a very, very hard conversation. I thought that I was getting along fine with this person, and then in a moment it turns out that there was a lot going on under the surface.

I have gotten so much encouragement this past week that such unfiltered anger came as a shock. It has made it very hard to focus this morning as I try to prepare my final sermon. While I hope that I will be able to discern some areas of truth--places where I can really improve--I also have to remember what was very obvious (and what my supervisor told me): outbursts of this nature arise from a deep set of circumstances that may not have very much to do with me. I am leaving in a few days, and I present an easy target.

You know how we're always encouraged to pray the Psalms? They're part of the Daily Office, but so often I just mumble through them. This morning, though, tears came to my eyes; I had no idea how much I needed to say these verses:

Remember your word to your servant,
because you have given me hope.

This is my comfort in my trouble,
that your promise gives me life.

The proud have derided me cruelly,
but I have not turned from your law.

When I remember your judgments of old,
O LORD, I take great comfort. (Ps 119:49-52)

2 comments:

Sam Keyes, M.Div. '09 said...

Re: the psalm. I forgot that today was the Feast of St James (the Great) the Apostle. So twas in my forgetfulness that I read Psalm 119 and not Psalm 34. I have a feeling it would have had the same effect.

Leah Skaggs, M.Div. '09 said...

sorry you caught someone's rage this morning. as a wise woman once said to me, "ministry, ain't it fun?" hope the rest of the week is better and that your sermon is found. mine seems to be in hiding.
peace